I just don’t get it;

I think what’s most frustrating is that I just don’t get it. I don’t get why I feel sad when I don’t have a reason to be sad. I don’t get why I get so angry over the smallest things. I don’t get why I want to distance myself from society and from the world. Sometimes, I don’t feel anything at all and I don’t get that either. 
I understand that there is such thing as mental illness and I understand that I have it. I guess I just don’t fully understand why some people suffer from it and especially why I have to be one of them. There’s nothing I want more than to just be happy all of the time. Realistically, that’s not something that happens too often as life throws lemons at everyone but to be unhappy when you have so much happiness surrounding you makes no sense to me. 
Maybe I just need to do my research and then I will be able to wrap my head around all of this and hopefully get better. Hopefully I’ll feel better. Maybe I will be a nicer person to myself but especially my family. Family is the one group of people that you can most of the time always count on no matter how mean you are to them one day or how distant you are for awhile. They are almost always there. So I want to thank my family for barring with me and my mental illness while I try to understand it and try to find myself through all of this darkness. I’m sorry I am putting you through this. 
Keep pushing Ashley, you can do this ;


Where’s my pillow?

IMG_1996.JPGOne of the worst feelings in the world is waking up in the morning and wishing that it was already time for bed again not wanting to go through the day. Having no hope for anything. Being so sick and tired of your life style but having no energy to change it. You start to forget what you wanted your future to look like and begin to think “who cares? I probably won’t even make it that far.” You feel so dark even when the sun is shining and no matter how much makeup you put on you still feel disgusting. What makes it even worse is when you have little people who rely on you and look up to you. What are you showing them? You’re showing them someone who doesn’t know how to smile anymore, someone who only wants to sleep and when they aren’t sleeping they’re crying, someone who gets so angry over the smallest things and who yells more than they laugh. How are you supposed to fix all of these things when you don’t know why you’re feeling like this in the first place?
Depression doesn’t make any sense. You don’t know why you feel how you do or how you can change it. You wish you were a completely different person. You wish you lived a different life. But why? When you stop and look around and really try to focus on the positives there are so many around you that you know you should be grateful for and you know you are luckier than some people will ever be, but it’s still not enough. Why? Why do I have to feel empty when I have everything I could ever want plus more?
I don’t have answers for any of these questions but I do know that this feeling is not something I want to feel and it isn’t something I would wish upon anyone but I am feeling it and I know others are too. Depression does its rounds through many people and unfortunately I am one of them. I’m just going to do my best to remind myself that I would not have been given this condition if God didn’t think I could handle it. There’s a plan for everyone right? Maybe this is part of mine. Maybe I will get through this and there is a light at the other end. Right now I feel like there isn’t but I’m also not feeling much at all. Right now I don’t have hope and I can’t see any light but I’m going to keep going to bed praying I wake up and see that light tomorrow morning rather than a big black hole.
Keep pushing; you got this.

My High School Essay

5I had to grow up faster than what I should have.I made decisions that were not meant for a child. Everything had changed, especially myself. People look at me as though I am unfit, or can’t handle it because of my age. People ask me, “Are you proud?”, I reply with yes because even though my decision was a very difficult one I stuck through it and I am proving every negative person wrong.

I lost my virginity at fourteen years old, younger than what I had promised myself. I also had become pregnant at fourteen years old. I consider this my consequence of breaking the promise I had made for myself. I had just started  grade ten and people were already making rumors that I was pregnant. I didn’t know it yet, but everyone else did. I had been late for my period and decided that maybe the rumors were true, either way I had to find out. I left my french class  and took a pregnancy test. Obviously with my lack of knowledge due to my age I didn’t understand what the symbol on the test meant. I didn’t know whether it was positive or negative due to the box being misplaced. I then went to a computer and googled it and turned out it had been positive.

First thing I had to do was tell the father, he was not too happy as this was much unexpected for the both of us. Brett, the father, had called his mother from the school office and that same day we had went to the Access center to confirm our information that we had received. Again, we were given more disappointing news.

That night when I got home from Access I told my family immediately. Since then everything was different. I know things would not be the same, even if my decision would be to give up the child. Every option was talked about minus the adoption. I had people pulling me on every end telling me what to do. I had people telling me to abort because I was too young, how on earth would I raise a baby? My mom was the most helpful I think because she was not telling me which one to go for, but she did tell me the pros and cons of each choice. Finally, after two weeks of thinking I had come to the decision. I was going to abort.

I had booked my appointment that same day, and a few days later I was at the hospital waiting for the doctors. Eventually I got to a certain place where my mom and dad who were there supporting me on whatever decision I made had to leave. I got through the doors and about an hour later after the IV was in and it was just a matter of time I had changed my mind. I was waiting for a doctor to come in to get me so that I could tell her about my new decision when I had seen my mom and dad come into the room. Obviously I was very confused considering they were not allowed past those certain doors and had somehow appeared. They had come to check on me because they were scared for me. Right then I told them I changed my mind, I wanted to keep the baby and that this happened for a reason. Mom went to go find a doctor to tell her and they were trying to keep me there, they were not going to let me leave. The doctors words were “you have already made your decision, you cannot turn back now”. My mom did not approve. After talking to several people about why I changed my mind I was able to go home. From there I had begun my new life.

Brett did not approve of my decision, and he decided that I had to abort otherwise we were breaking up. We decided to breakup because there was no way I was changing my mind again, this was my permanent decision. I went on with learning about the pregnancy and telling all of my family members. My family had slowly been getting used to the idea and my belly was growing quickly. A few weeks later Brett had come back and apologized and said he wanted to be involved, he was just scared and surprised. I of course said okay because I wanted my baby to have a father, but it took months before he was fully accepted back into my family.

Months went by, and I was getting bigger and bigger. There had been many fights. I had lost friends, but gained a greater relationship with my mom. She had stuck through with me the whole time and without her I don’t know if I could have done it.

Eventually we got to find out the sex of the baby, it was a girl. Everyone was very happy. We went on with buying things that suited a female such as clothes and blankets. Everything now had been coming very quickly.

Later on in the pregnancy I had been diagnosed with “PUPPS”. This is when the stretch marks on your belly inflate and become very itchy to the point where they can scab and bleed.This type of thing happens to 1 in 1000 pregnant girls; obviously it would happen to me. It got worse and worse as time went by and eventually I had to be induced.

The day I went for the inducement was very short notice. We had booked it to get in for around the end of the week and were supposed to be expecting a call for around Saturday. We got the call the day after the booking and had to go in as soon as possible. My mom was out in Matlock for work so was unable to take me. This wasn’t a big deal because I was supposed to be induced, then sent home for a few more days before the delivery. So, mom called my grandmother to take me.

After my grandma picked me up we decided to go for breakfast first. All morning she had been complaining about chest pains but we didn’t really think much of it because we were going to a hospital, so we could just ask about it when we get there. After breakfast we dropped the car off at her apartment block and walked to the hospital since it was only two blocks away. On the way we had to stop several times because of the pain in her chest, but she still didn’t make a big deal out of it so we just carried on with our walk. When we got to the hospital her pain had been coming more frequently and as soon as we walked in we went over to emergency quickly to just ask about it. Grandma was still against this though as she did not want to bring any attention on to herself. She and I were admitted to the hospital the same day. Turns out I wasn’t leaving the hospital until I had my baby, and grandma’s pains were a heart attack.

While we were both in the hospital I would get up and go down to see grandma on the other floor so we both had company. Family was notified shortly after we were admitted and they rushed down to the hospital for the both of us. Grandma needed to have a stint put into her heart so she was in there for a few days, and so was I.

After 33 hours of labor and six hours of pushing the doctors had decided that my baby was not going to come out so we needed to resort to another way. They decided to go with forceps and did’t really give me much of a choice. I had gotten moved to another room where only one person could come with me, so I brought my mom. A little bit later my baby was born, and due to the forceps half of her face was paralyzed. Not only that but the doctors burnt her finger on the heat lamp. Luckily she healed and is now more beautiful than ever.

After a few days of tying to heal up I was able to leave. Grandma and I were both signed out on the exact same day.

I am a teen mother, and I did go through the hardest time of my life but I did it. Not only did I just get through it either, but I had worked ahead on my own and received all of my grade ten credits ahead of time. I was not behind at all and still am not. I did not take a semester off, I came back just in time. What helped was the fact that my school has a daycare. So, while I am at school learning and getting all of my credits to graduate on time I get to see my beautiful baby on my spares, as well as show her off. I will finish my high school on time.

I have no regrets. I have had to grow up faster than others and work harder than others my age but I am doing it. I have all my family to support me now and I couldn’t be happier with life. It is difficult with the lack of sleep at night due to waking up with my baby, and it is frustrating sometimes not having time to do things like work but I have everything I need and I wouldn’t change this for the world.

Through this whole thing I need to thank a few people. I need to thank my mother for sure for being there for me the whole way, for being on my side, and being there when I needed someone to talk to. She is now considered one of my best friends and I am so happy for that. I don’t know where I would be without her. I also need to thank my dad for being there for me as well, and for babysitting on the days that I have cheer leading. I want to thank him for being so good to Emmie and loving her so much. I need to thank my sister for standing up for me the whole time I was pregnant and still standing up for me to this day. I for sure need to thank her for getting involved with my life and staying involved even when I push her away. Also, for watching Emmie on the days where I get to be a teenager, such as going to the LMFAO concert. I need to thank Brett, for sticking through all of my mood swings while I was pregnant as well as attending all of the subway walks with me due to my pickle, mayo and sub sauce craving. I need to thank all of my family for loving me just the same even though I made some huge life changing decisions that affected everyone. I love them more than anything. Also, I need to thank my school and the teachers who have helped me through on finishing my grade ten early, and helping me stay in school.

There is still so much more to say thank you for, but if I go on there will be no ending. Without all of these people, plus more, I wouldn’t have been able to get to where I am today. I wouldn’t be able to go where I want to go either. I have so much support and I am so thankful for it. I’m so very thankful for Emmie, for saving my life just as it was going downhill, and for making me a better person. She is truly a blessing.


Emmie Kailanna Lawrence,


Born June 12th, 6:22 pm,

8 pounds, 7 ounces,

20.5 inches long,

I Love you forever ❤

Welcome to my crazy life

imageMy life is full of so many crazy random things that sometimes you would think should only be in movies. Every day is a new adventure leading me to send those “you’ll never guess what just happened to me” texts to my closest people who have taken my journey with me. Now I’ve decided to let you have the option to take it with me too.